So you've fallen in love and the relationship seems to be blossoming. Perhaps you're moving toward a long-term commitment, maybe even marriage? Great! Hooray for love. Hooray for you!
Hold on: Not so fast! I caution you to be sensible as you move toward a committed relationship. It's time to
determine if you and your partner have a healthy sense of give-and-take
determine if you and your partner have a healthy sense of give-and-take. Without it, you face constant battles ahead over who is controlling what and, in the end, who is controlling whom. Minor control issues when you're dating - battles over what movie to see, and who drives to get there -- can grow into major areas of contention as the relationship matures.
Control factors
Here is my checklist of 15 ways to gauge the "control factor" in your relationship. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide whether taking or giving control in any of these areas is comfortable for you. After you take this short quiz, I will share with you the Big Six areas where control issues present themselves, and what your answers to the following questions indicate.
Who picks the restaurant? .... You .... You/Your Partner .... Take Turns
Who pours the wine? .... You .... You/Your Partner .... Take Turns
Who picks up the tab? .... You .... You/Your Partner .... Take Turns
Who tells your friends your favorite joke? .... You .... You/Your Partner .... Take Turns
Who initiates kissing? .... You .... You/Your Partner .... Take Turns
Who is the first to apologize after a lover's spat? .... You .... You/Your Partner .... Take Turns
Who has custody of the remote control device? .... You .... You/Your Partner .... Take Turns
Who calls whom? .... You .... You/Your Partner .... Take Turns
Who leads on the dance floor? .... You .... You/Your Partner .... Take Turns
Who dominates the conversation? .... You .... You/Your Partner .... Take Turns
Who selects the car radio station? .... You .... You/Your Partner .... Take Turns
Who chooses meal times? .... You .... You/Your Partner .... Take Turns
Who makes suggestions to whom on what to wear? .... You .... You/Your Partner .... Take Turns
Who massages whose back? .... You .... You/Your Partner .... Take Turns
Who selects the weekend's activities? .... You .... You/Your Partner .... Take Turns
What your answers mean
If most of your answers are "you," you have lots of "take" and not a lot of "give." You may very well hit the wall over control issues later on in the course of your relationship, because your partner may only be able to tolerate your "taking" behavior for a short time.
Ask yourself if you like being controlled. Some people do, but most don't.
If your answers included "You/Your Partner" much of the time, you are more "give" than "take," and you run the risk of trying to opt for control later on. Ask yourself if you like being controlled. Some people do, but most don't. When dating someone new, many people find it fun when their partner orders for them at a restaurant or selects the weekend activities. But
over time, such gestures can make a person feel smothered and controlled
over time, such gestures can make a person feel smothered and controlled.
If your answers point to mostly "take turns," your relationship has a healthy give-and-take and stands a terrific chance of going the distance. In my experience as a divorce attorney, I find that those who are not willing to "take turns" in many areas will continue to battle during the divorce process on a much grander scale.
The Big Six: What are your control issues?
The 15 questions above provide telling clues as to how you deal with what I call "The Big Six" -- those areas in a relationship where control issues typically manifest themselves.
The Big Six are:
Money
Children
Intimacy
Health
Growth (personal and professional)
Fear (physical, emotional and psychological)
If you're the one who always initiates kissing, eventually you and your partner may get into some clashes in the intimacy department. If you have disagreements or resentments during your dating period over who pays for what, you can expect money to eventually top your Big Six list of control issues.
If you're the one who's always rubbing your partner's back, look out! When you become sick, you may have to make your own chicken soup. And if you're with someone who always picks the restaurant, weekend activities or the radio station - you're headed for a life with a dominant mate who feels the need to call all the shots.
Someone who steals the limelight to tell a couple's favorite joke may also be the ambitious type, a partner who will always feel the need to keep achieving, and thus growth may become an issue over time.
Fear can override any relationship. Those who are compelled to always apologize, whether it is their fault or not, may, in time, wish to be free of the emotional or psychological bondage they're experiencing.
Before you try to go the distance with your lover, gauge where you stand in the control department on these crucial Big Six issues. Decide what you're willing to give or get -- because if you don't agree early on in your relationship, you may very well have problems once the honeymoon period is over.
determine if you and your partner have a healthy sense of give-and-take
