We were in a lingerie shop. He was gingerly fingering a tight little spandex number -- black. You know the type I mean, girls -- one of those numbers that stops right under your bum, thereby not only emphasizing your buxom butt, hard-earned hips and glorious gut, but also stopping at just the right height to expose those sexy dimples on the backs of your thighs.
"This is hot," he says.
I roll my eyes and launch into it. "Guys are so predictable. That dress is every woman's nightmare. It's so blatant. It would make me feel more self-conscious than sexy. Men have no idea what makes a woman feel sexy. Blah, blah, blah."
He looked a little crushed, but I was too worked up to feel sorry for him. For me, this not-so-innocent, black spandex dress suddenly represented everything that was wrong between men and women.
He just thought it was a turn-on.
What can I say? It's not always easy going out with someone who writes about sex for a living… I've thought about it too much. I get a little jumpy sometimes.
But I do think men are more predictable when it comes to what they find sexy. And why not? They (and we women) are inundated with male fantasy material from an early age. From their first Playboy centrefold to those busty Victoria's Secret gals -- Miracle Bra, indeed -- and cartoonish bombshells like Pam Anderson, subtlety is not exactly encouraged. And those lucky guys also get more stereotypes to choose from when it comes to what is considered sexy. How does that old saying go? Oh yeah, Variety is the Spice Girls of life. Women basically get Action Man or Calvin Klein undie boys. And we have to share them with gay men.
Still, beyond the mass shaping of what men and women find sexy, our personal sexual tastes do manage a degree of individuality. How else can you explain why James Spader turns my crank? And it's hard not to be judgmental about what another person finds sexy. That's why some men go to prostitutes, you told me in past columns. Sometimes your partner doesn't appreciate what turns you on, so you're willing to pay someone who will at least pretend to.
It's tough. We've had a few run-ins since the little black dress. "How can you find that sexy?" "Why don't you find this sexy?" "What's wrong with you?"
I feel personally slighted if he doesn't share my sexual point of view. So rather than argue about it, we've decided it would be more productive to share information.
For example, I asked him to show me some of the dirty pictures he's downloaded off the Internet. I was curious to know what he would deem worth having on disk.
I was determined not to be judgmental. I knew this was a big deal for him. It can be scary letting your girlfriend in on your private smut stash. You might be embarrassed letting her know that naked Smurfs get you off (it's only an example, he's not really into naked Smurfs). With his narrative -- why this works for him, what appealed to him about each image -- it was enlightening. I didn't care for all of it, but that was fine. Something in the sharing of it made it okay.
Another time, we were in a video store and I asked him to guess which tacky Playboy video box he thought that I would find sexy (in as far as one could find "Bunnies in Beanies" sexy). He didn't guess right -- that time. It also made us realize that while I'd given him plenty of earfuls of what I didn't find sexy, he wasn't so clear on what did turn me on. I admit that I find it difficult sometimes to express what I find sexy. I expect him to figure it out. Sometimes it's more about texture than images. Sometimes I don't know until it happens. We've been having fun learning.
There are plenty of ways to find out what whets your partner's sexual appetite. If you're comfortable renting porn videos, you can each pick one that appeals to you. Or you can each pick one you think the other person would like.
We have a lot of fun flipping through fashion magazines together, providing a running commentary on the models and their outfits. Erotic art books are good for this, too.
Your own sexual history together is another great source of information. Exchange some of your favourite sexual moments together. It's enlightening and a turn-on.
Show-and-tell is also effective. I once gave him a private fashion show that spoke volumes about our tastes.
Sometimes it's easier to talk about what you find sexy when you're just hanging out. What turns you on should be an everyday topic of discussion, just like other areas of your relationship. Keep in mind that this is ongoing research, and the information may change over time. Keep up-to-date.
Again, try not to be judgmental. On the other hand, be sensitive to how comfortable your partner is with what you're saying. And watch your language. "Wow, look at her. Why can't you dress like that?" might make her somewhat unreceptive.
And if something he or she likes isn't your thing, try to respect it anyway. You may surprise yourself. Maybe dressing up like Minnie Mouse will bring out the animal in you.
Who knows, he may get me into the spandex dress yet.
